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12 May 2011 @ 10:37 am
I think this week has possibly been the most painful week in ages.

just hanging there waiting for something to fall from the sky
fueling the thin thread that holds me by doing the most mundane and fruitless task of button-pushing
while people around start to receive replies, both good and bad,
and i cant celebrate with the happy, nor grieve with the sad,
because im still trapped in the position where i cant do anything, think anything or say anything that can possibly make anyone feel better
so the coward that i am continue to trap myself in a shroud devoid of emotion because it helps me move on.

sometimes i dont know if i appear not to want these things as much as others because i dont talk about it, or rather, i dont allow myself to harbour any feeling of desire or hope,
only because i fear rejection more than anyone else.
if all my academic life has been smooth sailing until now,
and that everything i have done in the past 12 years have led to this moment,
and falling at this hurdle will make everything i have achieved until now seem futile,
then i'd much rather believe that,
every problem i solved, every hurdle i have crossed up to this moment, has opened the path for me to reach this point,
and nothing would have been in vain.

surprisingly when the first wave hit home yesterday, i didnt feel anything.
and the fact that i was more preoccupied with my other choice disturbed me deeply.
did i not want it as much as i thought i did? or did i choose to follow the flow of societal functions and perceptions that have entrapped me in this web of self-delusion?
people tell me to not be lost by influence and follow my heart,
but what is the heart but a muscled organ pumping away hollowly in a cage, sorely incapable of coherent thought.
maybe this is a self-protection mechanism developed by my inner consciousness,that analyses the feeling when i step out of the interview room, that drives the brain to think less of what course it feels that my interview had failed to deliver,to protect my psyche from the pain of what a higher probability of failure would entail.
thus confusion.

whatever comes i want not to forget what i truly want in life, not a career, occupation, dreams or anything noble as much. even if people chide me for having no ambition in life, it wouldnt matter,because then destination i want in life has many paths leading to it, that dont merely depend on a single stroke of luck, or the judging eyes of other people, but on how i dictate and control it.
even if i fall here, i would not have failed, but taken a step onto one of the many paths that lead to my destination. what be it, i don't know,
but i wont ever be afraid of finding out.

so life, you can hit my with everything you've got
because i will be ready when it comes.
21 March 2011 @ 11:00 am
... ...
... ... ...

i am so sick of praising myself
and writing empty fluffy clouds about my accomplishments
and relying on shift+F7 so often in an essay
and expressing my endless passion and interest in something without using those two words

essays probably all go the same way dont they:

1. Praise yourself in the most indirect way located somewhere between sounding meek and sounding like an overbearing self-centred bastard. somewhere along the boundaries of the latter is optimal

2. The constant need to paraphrase aspects of the same event in your life because you didnt do enough bombastic things in your short, less-than-two-decades existence to justify what you mentioned in 1

3. Constantly spamming shift-F7 to avoid sounding like a conceited parrot. and because repetition, preferably using the same word at most twice in a paragraph, unless the word belongs to the following word classes: pronoun i.e. I, conjunction etc, and god forbid if you use the same ADJECTIVE or ADVERB (*gasp* the horrors!) twice in the same paragraph.

4. Stop to ram your head against the wall when you realised you have lapse into RAMBLING, proceeding to punch the backspace button like your life depended on it

5. Repeat steps 1-4

6. Craft the toughest part of your essay: introduction and conclusion

7. Pledge your undying loyalty to said organisation/said university/said course/said subject/your school/your parents/your dog and proceed to scrutinise the miniscule text with your exhausted eyes for any errors or awkward-sounding sentences, no matter how much you think you cant have made any mistakes in an essay you took so much effort and time to write

8. Actually finding the mistakes

9. Repeat steps 7 -8

10. Submit with much apprehension, enjoy 2 seconds of relief, and your heart sinking in horror when you realise there are more essays, interviews and tests to come

TEN simple steps to writing your essay/statements!
21 February 2011 @ 12:14 pm
Long time no post

i know its one day too late but...

... an obligatory birthday post for our favourite tsundere!

just saw this on tudou and it sums up everything so well~

and i love my subconscious for sending me possibly the best birthday reminder through dreamland.

so near my birthday too!


we celebrated by watching toyko encounter 7 at night

and i cant stop smiling like an idiot at work.
16 January 2011 @ 12:17 am

yup! back from my very first pilgrimage to anime-lala-land!!!! interesting moments abound~ 
thi sis 
 talk about mind blowingwe 
wandering in akiba, chanced on the gundamn cafe, gawked, turned around.... 

GASPS!! mind-blowing SH*T!

CM was on a 10s loop

this is in AKIHABARA.. otaku central. less than 250m from the train station. 
why is kiramune doing this in akiba where the shopper population is predominantly MALE (>70%) bewilders me. 

but its !!! mind-blowing anyway. much more than the displays inside the animate main store. 
thought i should share some laughs. 

kiramune u godly. 
29 December 2010 @ 11:02 pm
got my ps3 and FFXIII
AFTER SO LONG *cheshire grin*

should be just past the halfway mark now.

just thought that some random fangirling was due before i go on 9-day hiatus flying off to tokyo tomorrow.

random fangirling possible spoilers *i think not*Collapse )
on a random note,
radio misty is gone im so upset T0T
13 December 2010 @ 12:27 am

havent had a single unoccupied day since the amazing day exams ended~
next tuesday is my first completely unoccupied day, which makes it what, 11 days since last day of exams.
totally enjoying myself mindless and senseless now.

absolutely cannot phantom how anyone can be bored of freedom.
im so freakin glad that i can now waste my life away having FUN
something that never happened since school started.
which is what, 12 good years ago.
12 good years of my life on mugging mugging mugging.

isnt it sad that having fun and wasting my life away seems to flow so easily in a sentence that you'd probably not notice anything wrong with it.

i'd like to enjoy my life as it is now, before life resumes its pace again.

now life is just anime-game-going out-talking-sleeping when i feel like it-meeting people-eating-slacking off-holiday-surfing aimlessly-mindless banter-more anime-and the cycle repeats.

oh and earning spare cash to contribute to the flailing economy of japan.
i wonder how much i will end up donating to animate when i go over.

i REALLY cannot phantom how people can complain of boredom.
how about you donate some of that extra time to me?
i wouldnt say no to extra slacking time
if you have so much time and dunno how to spend it, why dont i spend it for you :D
08 December 2010 @ 09:59 pm
 'nuff said. 

not to mention. saw this and loved it immediately! 
looking forward to seeing the PV/CM playing at the animate store!! 

stolen from 沢伊@ pixiv. 
Current Mood: *flounces