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I think this week has possibly been the most painful week in ages.
just hanging there waiting for something to fall from the sky
fueling the thin thread that holds me by doing the most mundane and fruitless task of button-pushing
while people around start to receive replies, both good and bad,
and i cant celebrate with the happy, nor grieve with the sad,
because im still trapped in the position where i cant do anything, think anything or say anything that can possibly make anyone feel better
so the coward that i am continue to trap myself in a shroud devoid of emotion because it helps me move on.
sometimes i dont know if i appear not to want these things as much as others because i dont talk about it, or rather, i dont allow myself to harbour any feeling of desire or hope,
only because i fear rejection more than anyone else.
if all my academic life has been smooth sailing until now,
and that everything i have done in the past 12 years have led to this moment,
and falling at this hurdle will make everything i have achieved until now seem futile,
then i'd much rather believe that,
every problem i solved, every hurdle i have crossed up to this moment, has opened the path for me to reach this point,
and nothing would have been in vain.
surprisingly when the first wave hit home yesterday, i didnt feel anything.
and the fact that i was more preoccupied with my other choice disturbed me deeply.
did i not want it as much as i thought i did? or did i choose to follow the flow of societal functions and perceptions that have entrapped me in this web of self-delusion?
people tell me to not be lost by influence and follow my heart,
but what is the heart but a muscled organ pumping away hollowly in a cage, sorely incapable of coherent thought.
maybe this is a self-protection mechanism developed by my inner consciousness,that analyses the feeling when i step out of the interview room, that drives the brain to think less of what course it feels that my interview had failed to deliver,to protect my psyche from the pain of what a higher probability of failure would entail.
thus confusion.
whatever comes i want not to forget what i truly want in life, not a career, occupation, dreams or anything noble as much. even if people chide me for having no ambition in life, it wouldnt matter,because then destination i want in life has many paths leading to it, that dont merely depend on a single stroke of luck, or the judging eyes of other people, but on how i dictate and control it.
even if i fall here, i would not have failed, but taken a step onto one of the many paths that lead to my destination. what be it, i don't know,
but i wont ever be afraid of finding out.
so life, you can hit my with everything you've got
because i will be ready when it comes.
just hanging there waiting for something to fall from the sky
fueling the thin thread that holds me by doing the most mundane and fruitless task of button-pushing
while people around start to receive replies, both good and bad,
and i cant celebrate with the happy, nor grieve with the sad,
because im still trapped in the position where i cant do anything, think anything or say anything that can possibly make anyone feel better
so the coward that i am continue to trap myself in a shroud devoid of emotion because it helps me move on.
sometimes i dont know if i appear not to want these things as much as others because i dont talk about it, or rather, i dont allow myself to harbour any feeling of desire or hope,
only because i fear rejection more than anyone else.
if all my academic life has been smooth sailing until now,
and that everything i have done in the past 12 years have led to this moment,
and falling at this hurdle will make everything i have achieved until now seem futile,
then i'd much rather believe that,
every problem i solved, every hurdle i have crossed up to this moment, has opened the path for me to reach this point,
and nothing would have been in vain.
surprisingly when the first wave hit home yesterday, i didnt feel anything.
and the fact that i was more preoccupied with my other choice disturbed me deeply.
did i not want it as much as i thought i did? or did i choose to follow the flow of societal functions and perceptions that have entrapped me in this web of self-delusion?
people tell me to not be lost by influence and follow my heart,
but what is the heart but a muscled organ pumping away hollowly in a cage, sorely incapable of coherent thought.
maybe this is a self-protection mechanism developed by my inner consciousness,that analyses the feeling when i step out of the interview room, that drives the brain to think less of what course it feels that my interview had failed to deliver,to protect my psyche from the pain of what a higher probability of failure would entail.
thus confusion.
whatever comes i want not to forget what i truly want in life, not a career, occupation, dreams or anything noble as much. even if people chide me for having no ambition in life, it wouldnt matter,because then destination i want in life has many paths leading to it, that dont merely depend on a single stroke of luck, or the judging eyes of other people, but on how i dictate and control it.
even if i fall here, i would not have failed, but taken a step onto one of the many paths that lead to my destination. what be it, i don't know,
but i wont ever be afraid of finding out.
so life, you can hit my with everything you've got
because i will be ready when it comes.
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